It’s Happening Again, Dad
That change of mind that has so characterized the last few months I’ve been here. I can’t take it anymore! Now, recently, after making the decision to not move all my life over here and pursue music, it’s starting to seem like a plausible, desirable, do-able thing again! I literally can’t win here! Every time I make a decision it starts to feel wrong. Experience has taught me that as soon as I change my mind again it’ll just switch back!
I told you, the reason I decided to leave is because I learned that with an artist visa I couldn’t work here. I’d need some other sort of visa, and since that didn’t immediately present itself I changed tack and decided to come back to the States. Did I do that in haste? Did I do that because I was scared to pursue my passion? Did I do that because I would genuinely rather be in the US?
I want to pursue God. He is my purpose and my objective. But can I not pursue Him by doing music in Germany? Can I not play music and pursue God in the US? Atlanta? Seattle? Did I change my mind about staying here because it was hard, or because it was the right decision?
I feel like I’m going crazy with so much…there’s not a word for lack of understanding. Uncertainty isn’t quite what I’m feeling. Unconfidence? Confusion? Unclarity? This is what it is like to be an adult, I get that. You’re never quite sure. But am I making it unnecessarily complicated for myself by trying to become an adult in a foreign country? Why did I come here in the first place? I didn’t think this far ahead? I just wanted to see what would happen. Surprise!
Berlin’s great! The rent is cheap, the food is cheap and healthy, there’s incredible public transportation, there are artists, the city is beautiful, the people are beautiful and nice (in a way), it’s gay friendly, on and on and on. But does that mean I have to live here? I hadn’t planned on staying over here very long. A year or two. Then I wanted to go to grad school. But school is much cheaper over here anyway. Plus I’m still not confident what I want to go to school for. Or what I want to do. Or anything.
Do I keep fighting to stay here in Berlin and do whatever I can to set myself up as a musician? Or do I come to the U.S. and try to do adulthood there. I guess I never actually tried that. I went straight from college to here and got into this fucking bramble patch! But when I think about the U.S.- the cars, the expense, the food- it just doesn’t seem appealing. Then again I spent 24 years setting up a life there. Why the hell did I abandon it all so easily? Am I that much of an ignorant asshole? Does it actually mean nothing to me? There’s people I love there. Is that reason enough? Why should I stay here? Why should I go back?
The thing God has taught me most out of all of this is how stupid I was before I came over here. I was so judgmental of other people’s lives. I thought I had it all figured out and they were such poor fools. I thought I was getting so many cool points for moving to another country or whatever. I thought I alone could see what the best thing to do was- run! I thought I was so much better just for being on this side of the Atlantic. But I don’t hate America at all. I actually really like America. I see now that those people I used to pity for being stuck somewhere I ought to have been congratulating. They found a place for themselves. I feel completely incapable of making a place for myself anywhere- not because of lack of skill, but because I just am mentally handicapped, or unprepared, to do that. I don’t know why! I’m sick of being homeless. I’m sick of moving around. I want my old life back. But is that weak? Is that pathetic? Is that possible? Reasonable? Childish? Am I just trying to cling to my cushy college lifestyle and avoiding going out into the real world? Am I relying too much on you and Mom? Isn’t your love and support a precious, wonderful, golden gift that only one in a million people on this planet are blessed with? Why do I think it’s so bad? Do I think it’s bad? I wish I could cry. A cry would probably help me out.
Jesus Christ Dad, don’t you get how hard this is? Don’t you get that I understand that I am “thinking too much” and that this is not a healthy mental attitude? Don’t you get that I know I’m wrong? That I know the answers to these questions? That I’m an idiot. I’m smart enough to know that having all of these problems is a problem in and of itself, which compounds onto the pile of problems to begin with! I’m freaking out because I’m freaking out because I’m freaking out. It has no beginning, but then it also has no end. I don’t want it. Not anymore. Don’t you get how shitty that makes me feel? How bad of a person that makes me feel? Nothing looks real to me anymore. Nothing looks right. Nothing is the correct door, the best door. Someone told me “It’s not about the choice you make, it’s about how you do that choice” but I’m so paralyzed here! “This is life. One day at a time.” So utterly and completely unsure of what’s good and what’s bad, what’s possible and what’s not possible, what I’m missing and what I’m seeing with distorted vision. And once again- I know that I am making this overly complicated in my mind. And that frustrates me more because there’s nothing I can do about that! I can’t fucking read or concentrate on anything because no matter what I do my mind keeps floating around to the future and wondering what I should do. I wish I were dead. I wish I were asleep. It doesn’t help to just not think about it like I did in December. I don’t have that luxury anymore. People keep giving me their advice. You know what you get when you ask a lot of people for advice? Too much fucking advice. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this.
I’m going crazy here, Dad. All this indecision. I came here too young. I came here too unprepared. I jumped right into the deep end. I don’t think it’s failure or giving up to return to the U.S. But I don’t know if I trust God enough to give me the joys of my heart there. But I don’t think I have a choice anymore. I think He knows this. He told me months and months ago I was supposed to go back, and I begged Him for more time. Now he’s made me want to go but scared to move. He’s cornered me so that I’ll depend on Him and trust Him and have literally nowhere else to go. I love Him for that, but I hope that I am correct in thinking that. I hope I’m not blaming God for my inability to set up. I hope this is all His plan and not all his fault.
What have I done? Am I wasting time? Have I spent my time well? Have I learned anything? Yes. Tons. Things I couldn’t have learned anywhere else? Yes. Am I sorry I came? Absolutely not. Do I want to leave? Yes. Does that mean I should?